


In His Wake

by poisontaster



Series: new otp [2]
Category: CW Network RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Developing Relationship, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-17
Updated: 2006-11-17
Packaged: 2018-05-02 14:43:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5252108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poisontaster/pseuds/poisontaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on Strippedpink's <a href="http://strippedpink.livejournal.com/tag/new%20otp%20%27verse">New OTP 'verse</a>.  This goes with <a href="http://strippedpink.livejournal.com/230801.html"> I Need Direction to Perfection (Help Me Out)</a> and <a href="http://strippedpink.livejournal.com/233316.html">Wherever I've Gone (I Find Myself There)</a>.  Written with her kind permission.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In His Wake

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [New OTP](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/156551) by strippedpink. 



Jensen hasn't had a panic attack in years.

Not that he—or anyone else—ever calls them that. But living in the navel-gazing fishbowl of L.A. you pick up a few things. Like when you get that oh-my-God my-heart-is-going-to-pound-its-way -right-out-of-my-chest and-I-can't-breathe and-my-skin-is-too-small feeling? They call that a panic attack. Brilliant, right?

Anyway. Years.

But being with Jared…he feels like that _all the fucking time_.

And he's afraid that, in some masochistic way, he's actually starting to enjoy the feeling.

Being with Jared muddies things.

And here the puppy metaphor is a good one; if Jensen's life was a pond, then all the people in it are like the ducks, swimming smooth on the surface with barely a ripple to mark their way. The sun is shining. The water is clear. And underneath, everything is still.

Jared, however, is like the big golden retriever that some dumbass let off the leash, charging in and churning up not only the water but all the mud from the bottom. Things Jensen's tried to forget or at least not think about so much. Things he'd like to pretend never happened.

"This is how it happens," he says to Jared, easing—fucking—his cock into him and what he _really_ means is: _this is how it happened to me._

He tries to tell Jared these things without ever doing anything so obviously batshit insane as _telling Jared these things_ but he's never really sure how much of the message gets through.

Because Jared just keeps coming back for more. Keeps twisting his body onto Jensen's, even though Jen can tell it's hurting him some, all shaking tension and stifled groans. Invites him to fucking Thanksgiving dinner with his _family_ , for the love of Pete, when Jensen can't hardly bring himself to show his face in his own house.

And it's there again, that ugly scramble of _wanting_ to hurt Jared, to brand these same harsh lessons ( _bitch. some guy's bitch. my bitch._ ) into Jared's skin and at the same time wanting to throw his body over Jared's and make sure that never happens to him. Make sure that the only time he's in some guy's bed—Jensen's bed—is if he _wants_ to be there…

Jensen doesn't know if Jared wants to be here.

That just seems a little too much like a John Hughes script, doesn't it?

And because it's so much what he wants, he can't rely on it. He's got to remind himself not to rely on it, because the minute he _needs_ it, needs Jared…

Jensen knows how this story goes. He's not the guy that gets the happy ending.

"Feel that?" Jensen asks, and he's not sure if he means the burn, his cock, or all this emotional, muddy mess that's got his head turned around backwards like a girl deciding whether to put out for the first time for her prom date or not.

Because Jensen likes the fucking but he likes that it's Jared even more. He likes Jared. Even though he should know better. Even though he _does_.

And then Jared's coming over his own fingers and Jensen's trying to ride it out as Jared shakes and quivers inside, gripping Jen's cock tightly and milking it for all it's worth. He can't even move for a second, stunned that it was so easy, so fast. Stunned that Jared would come at all after how Jensen's treating him.

The royal fucking treatment—what a laugh.

“Fuck…you feel…you’re so…” And there's that panicky feeling again, like he's going to step right off the edge of the world, like he can't breathe, like he just might die. Funny thing, it feels a lot like coming too and it's too much, you know?

Too fucking much and he's got to get out of Jared _right fucking now_ and that noise, that little whimpery noise that Jared makes when Jensen leaves his body and…he shouldn't have done this.

He knows he shouldn't have done this, because when it's all said and done, Jared is nobody's bitch and Jensen's been _everybody's_ and that's just never a good combination.

But Jared's looking at him with those wide, fucked-out, sated, lazy, _hooker_ eyes and telling Jensen—telling _Jensen_ , what a laugh—that it's okay, when it's really not. It's damn near the furthest thing from okay that Jensen can think of and Jensen's back snaps forward as he shoots, splashing hard and furious all over Jared's belly because when Jared looks at him like that, talks to him like that, he can't _not_ come.

God save him. He wants to do it again. He wants to rub his softening cock against that smooth stomach until he's hard as a stallion again and then he wants to come all over Jared a second time, rubbing it into the kid's skin until Jared's marked. Until he's owned. Because Jensen thinks he might go a little insane if he can't have just a little, tiny piece of Jared for his own. Not all of him. He knows that's not going to happen. But just a little. Something no one will miss.

"Oh God," he says, damn near falling down on top of Jared. "The fuck are you doing to me, Padalecki?" And he means it to be a joke. Pass it off as all smooth and uncaring, no edges, no ripples. But maybe it's too soon after he's come or something, because it comes out kind of ripped up and he feels that panic start up yet again, familiar as that hand on the back of his neck or his head, guiding him down. Because it's a real question. Maybe too real.

And it shows. Oh, it's got to show like a damn spotlight because Jared grabs onto him, pulling the two of them together so he's all tangled up for real. It's warm. And it's comfortable (and kind of sticky, but he's not dwelling on that part. Not with Jared stroking his back like that). And he tries to fight it off, he does, but there's just no arguing with Jared sometimes, when he's got his mind made up on a thing and Jensen… Well, Jensen's just tired and tired of the whole damn thing. Jensen can't believe how tired he is.

Things will be clearer tomorrow, he thinks. Fuck. They have to be, don't they?


End file.
